This Is Who I Am

Sometimes a dream can seem so real that when you wake up you wonder if it happened. I had a dream like that last night and what I dreamt is impossible, but it seemed so real. I dreamt that my husband was leaving for work, on his way down the stair he said over his shoulder, “Good-bye,” and I responded, “Good-bye,” and then it hit me, I didn’t have my processors on. I said, “I heard that!” and Paul, knowing that I wasn’t hooked up, turned right around and came back upstairs. He was talking to me and I was repeating back to him what he was saying almost word for word. I would miss one now and then, but still we were thinking how could this be? 

After I was completely awake and thinking about this dream I realized it was like dreams I had after I quit smoking. I would dream that I smoked and then in the morning wonder if I did. I didn’t want to start again so I would be relieved that it was just a dream. I guess we dream about what we miss and I think I was missing those spontaneous moments that happen at the beginning or end of the day when I might not have my hearing prothesis on.

This dream surprised me and it feels like it came at an odd time. On the last Saturday we spent at our cabin before closing it up for the winter season, I felt like I had crossed a threshold. I got up that morning and Paul was preparing to take the boat to the storage place. He indicated that he was leaving and I knew I had at least an hour to myself. My normal routine in the morning is to get ready for the day and get my hearing on first thing. On this particular morning, knowing I didn’t need to communicate with anyone for awhile, I decided to relax in my comfortable pajamas, and linger over breakfast and coffee while I enjoyed the vision of the lake outside my window. Sitting in the silence, I came to realize that I have finally found peace with my deafness. 

It is okay. This is who I am.

I am a woman who puts on her hearing in the morning

and takes it off at night. 

I am a woman who sleeps in total silence

and wakes to the morning light. 

When I look out the window to see what kind of day it will be, 

I may notice the birds in the branches of a nearby tree.

I need not wonder if they are chirping or singing a song,

even though I knew their silence many years long.

It is now in my blessings a matter of choice,

If I want to hear birdsongs or the beautiful human voice.

The sounds of life are mine to have no matter the place,

And the silence is mine to choose, to reject or embrace.

A Gutsy Girl

I first met Kristin on Hearing Journey. Today her cochlear implant is being activated. Kristin's road to this day has been bumpy due to other health issues and she has hurdled or gone around every road block. To read her story go to The Telegraph Hearing Blog.

Choosing a Cochlear Implant

You are at a point in your life where you have to make a life altering decision and choose a cochlear implant either for yourself or your child. Where do you start?

I had to make that decision eight years ago. After going through all the testing and qualifying for the cochlear implant, the audiologist gave me all the brochures he had from each of the companies and answered the questions I had that day. An appointment was then scheduled with a surgeon.

While the surgeon was willing to answer any questions l had about each appliance, he would not advise me in a way that indicated any favoritism of one company’s product over another’s. We picked the date for the surgery and then he said, “You will have to let us know which implant you want two weeks before the surgery.”  

Whether they realized it or not, both the audiologist and the surgeon gave me body language clues as to which product they thought was the best at the time. Since I was good at reading visual communication due to my hearing loss, those clues did not get past me.

Armed with my brochures, the answers I got from my audiologist and surgeon, I went home to read and discuss with my husband which implant to choose.

Eight years ago, that is what I had to work with to make my decision. I had to rely on the integrity of the companies whose brochures were going to tell me all about their cochlear implant. I knew what was most important to me and I was able to figure out which implant I wanted. I know I made the right decision and I am very happy with my cochlear implants and the company that makes them.

In the time that has passed since I had to choose a cochlear implant, independent studies have taken place and now a person trying to figure out which cochlear implant to choose has more information available to them when making their decision. The key here is to make sure you have an independent report and not a report that has been construed to favor a company that didn’t do well in the study.

Advanced Bionics made my cochlear implants. I received my first one in 2001 and had the other side done in 2007. The number one thing on my list when I was choosing my first implant was the ability to upgrade without surgery; to have an implant with internal technology that would grow with the science and that is what I have. There is six years between my two implants and I have modern cutting-edge technology on both sides and love the hearing I get with my two implants. My older implant was able to upgrade to the technology I was getting with my newer model on the other side. How great is that? 

For anyone making the decision today, it is still a difficult decision with even more information to peruse. As I learn more about the technology and advances, I know that Advanced Bionics would still be my choice today.

For more study reports and technical information, click here.

Vaulted Ceilings and Wood Floors

Where I live, the popular home design for quite a while now has been vaulted ceilings and wood floors. I cannot think of another design in home planning that is more unfriendly to the hearing impaired except maybe smooth tile with vaulted ceilings. 

I really enjoy hearing with my cochlear implants and in most situations I hear very well. In my own home I have a combination of carpet and brick tile and my ceilings are flat and eight feet high. Sound doesn’t bounce or echo like it does in homes that I have been in with wood floors and vaulted ceilings. 

I find these homes to be so irritating the way sound bounces around that it is getting difficult for me to enjoy going to the homes of friends or family with vaulted ceilings and smooth floors. I don’t want to limit my social life again due to hearing issues when it seems like I have just gotten it back, but more and more I find myself in this situation as friends and family buy or build new homes.

Why are acoustics in home design ignored? Why is this design so popular? The world is  noisy enough without creating a situation in your home where noise is amplified. Do others think about the acoustics in their home or is it all about big space?

In my home I want cozy, warm, conversational space. No vaulted ceilings or floors that bounce sound for me.

Weeds!

On Saturday I found myself thinking about sounds that I had never thought about before. Weeding a garden has sounds of its own. Weeds with a shallow root don’t make a lot of noise but you can hear the soil drop off and sprinkle back to the ground in a soft patter. Most weeds though have a deeper root that is solidly embedded in the soil. As I wrapped my gloved fingers around the base of the unwanted plant and tugged, it would make a soft cracking noise as it began to give up its hold on the soil and then with a loud snap would give its final release. Craaacckckck snap! Craaacckckck snap! I heard over and over as I released my pretty flowers from the encroaching weeds. 

I spent most of Saturday doing that as we had been gone a lot and my gardens had become a poor sight. They are looking better now and still in need of work. I’m making plans for moving perennials this fall which seems to be fast approaching. I would love to figure out a way to make my flower gardens maintenance free; however, I did find the weeding to be therapeutic as I put the unpleasant vegetation into the bin.

It Feels Good to Feel Normal

Yesterday was eventful with two experiences to remind me how fortunate I am to have hearing with my cochlear implants.

It started out with a trip to the grocery store. I was driving down Main street when I noticed a motorcycle behind me. I “see” motorcycles because I used to have one and I try to be very aware as I was hit by an unaware driver on mine. So, I was keeping an eye on this guy as we left the changed light to move through the next block. Half way up the block I decided to take a right turn at the next light and I needed to change lanes. As I was preparing to signal and move over, I “heard” the motorcycle’s engine rev up and sure enough the impatient driver decided to pass me on the right. It was a stupid and unsafe move on his part that could have ended in an accident if I had not “heard” him because he moved into a blind spot and I would not have seen him. It was also ridiculous on his part as we both ended up waiting at the same light half a block ahead.

After the relief of a near miss, I was quite angered at this motorcycle driver as it is his kind of driving that gives motorcycle enthusiasts a bad rep and leads to accidents. If I would have had the opportunity to tell him so, I would have.

Next on my agenda yesterday was a trip to my audiologist to participate in a study regarding cochlear implant use. That involves a 40 mile drive to another city. I was ready early and thinking about leaving early when I decided to read the newspaper instead. Funny how the timing of things sometimes works out to put us in a certain place  at a certain time.

After reading the newspaper, I headed out. I was barely out of town on a county road heading for the highway when the SUV in front of me crossed into the oncoming lane, came back across both lanes, went into the ditch and rolled completely over. As I was pulling over, I was reaching into my purse for my cell phone and was on the line with 911 in a matter of seconds. I didn’t think, “Will I be able to hear them? Can I do this?” I just did. Another car pulled over and the man asked if I was on the line with 911 and I said, “Yes.” He proceeded ahead of me to the car to check on the driver. She appeared to be fine with only minor injuries. I stayed on the line with 911 to give them directions to where we were. 

Before my CI, I might have hit the motorcycle. Deaf people are very good drivers, but without sound we rely solely on our vision. Also before my CI, I wouldn’t have had a cell phone to call 911 after witnessing the rollover. I still would have stopped to help, but my assistance would have been very restrained by my limited communication.

It was a dramatic day with a roller coaster of emotions: relief, anger, shock, concerned panic, and relief again. As I finally calmed, relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the day, I thought, “It feels good to feel normal.”

Final Meow

I didn't know when I was writing about hearing Elvis that I would soon be saying good-bye. Our beloved pet had developed a tumor on his liver and stomach. We said good-bye today and sent him to his rest.